Tag Archive | University of Utah Medical School

‘Today Is A ‘Coming Out’ Day’

*(1970 06 00) Slim at Crater Lake (sitting) 62108991_353447288645822_7445126293500198912_n

‘Today Is A ‘Coming Out’ Day’

(11 Oct 2019)


I am already ‘Out’.

Lemme share about my experiences.  Maybe someone is new here, hasn’t browsed this ‘Slim and Me’ web-site or social media.  Or maybe you are familiar to my life.  Either way, I’ll try to use a different angle to write about things this time.

I was Out since at least age 3.  Perhaps I did not use Transsexual for my self, but I did know about two people:

 – Uncle Frank (my mother’s younger brother) was in Transition from boy to girl (as my child’s mind perceived it) and 

 – Christine Jorgensen’s name came directed at me during times when my parents were shouting at me about what I was doing (though I don’t recall knowing why her name was mentioned when I was a child at that time ). 

I knew that I am a girl, same as my sister Kathy.  Family frequently referred to Kathy and me as ‘The Twins’.  My only childhood definition of twins at that age was two siblings born at the same time – two girls or two boys, not one of each.  Being called a twin of my sister didn’t help me differentiate from my sister, it brought me to identify same as her.

Oh, family was humoured by me.  I wore Kathy’s clothes and we painted our nails.  Or I put on my teen cousins’ make-up and nail polish during visits to their homes.  The family gushed:

 – ‘Oh, Nickie!  What a cute little girl!’(1927 xx xx) Abie's Irish Rose (book cover - green) 51p7kbWYLGL._SX346_BO1,204,203,200_

That name – Nickie.  Here’s probably the first time that I shall have described in my essays how that came.  On the one hand, I hated Nickie because family used it as part of their verbal abuse against me.  Yet I came to want to embrace it when another reality hit.  Our father acquired child custody of Kathy and me following our parents’ divorce; he took us out of Public School and put us into Catholic elementary school.  My name at home, among family, among play friends, officially at Public School was Nickie.  No more Nickie at Catholic school, the nuns would not allow Nickie, the nuns forced me to use Nickolas.  No more Nickie – a name I began observing used by girls, not boys.  I resented the loss, I resented adults and authority denying another element of my girlhood.

Curious, I might not have sought a different name during childhood if the nuns had allowed me to continue using Nickie.  Instead, in my retaliation against authority, I explored innumerable girl’s names throughout 2nd Grade and 3rd Grade.  I decided upon Sharon by late 3rd Grade.  I told my mother first.  It was one Saturday morning during visitation as she cooked breakfast; we had quite a row in the kitchen.  I’ve asked Kathy many times; I’m surprised that Kathy tells me that she didn’t hear us where she was in her bedroom.  Taking it further, I don’t know what would have happened with my decision to keep Sharon – me as namesake for the other Sharon – a few years later.  Or maybe I would not have needed to have made it permanent and changed my name as part of Transition.  Small moments develop into major consequences.

(1969 06 00) Mincemeat and Nick - Grambling Apartment 64597389_2088241518143369_2973098609945346048_nLikely I would have changed my last name in any situation.

Life got difficult as I grew up.  My father was beating me for my Feminine Protesting, my female inclinations, my wearing Kathy’s clothes by the time when I was of older elementary school and high school age.  The worst was February 1971.  My family murdered my Uncle Frank a few months earlier to put an end to his Transition – to be done with him, one way or another.  I feared that this fate was happening to me that Thursday evening.  Crazy thought – I made numerous past suicide attempts and there would be other attempts wanting to end my life in later years, but there that night, that time and place, I really wanted to live, at least survive, somehow.

My teen years were living on that proverbial razor’s edge.  My father and I moved to Greece for two years during my high school.  I promised to control my Feminine Protesting, to cease wearing female attire, to study well; my father allowed me to grow my hair, tried to end his beatings.

(1972 03 00) Slim and Nick at Anatolia CampusI got lucky after I graduated from high school.  Dear Ol’ Dad took his two-years contract to teach at Brasil; I stayed home.  I had a fortuitous encounter with Denise, my next mentor; I promptly began my adult Transition at her encouragement.  That uneasy truce began to crack when my father returned home.  He snooped in my bedroom and through my privacy:

 – he discovered my Library books about Transition – especially Christine Jorgensen’s biography and books about the psychology and the sociology of Transition,

 – he found my correspondences with Transition programs, miscellaneous postal letters with Sharon as the recipient.

He resumed beating me.  What was I to do?  This was the 1970s.  There was no such thing as Domestic Violence as a crime back then.  I could hardly call the police.  Report my father?  The devout leader of our Catholic parish?  The respected Principal of our elementary school?  Police would have arrested me as an abusive son.

What if police did arrest him, prosecute him, sentence him, incarcerate him?  What was I to do still financially dependent upon him?

I finally gained employment and lived on my own.

My Transition still was not to be discussed.  Or, at least, family spread gossip among themselves making me fair game while they prohibited me from sharing my experiences and progress with them, such as:

 – I yearned to share my Transition advances at Christmas dinner 1979 (that year was one of the most momentous to that time).  This had been the first time in several years that so many of us would be together at one time and place; I so much wanted to share my joy with my family as a family.   Family shut me down.  That gathering was to be the last time when our father, Kathy, and I were together in good cheer.  If I recall correctly, the next time would be when our father was dying a decade later.

 – I showed my Diethylstilbestrol pills to my mother several months later; she laughed at me, she countered that she didn’t consider them real, she blathered to me that they were a trick, that they were candy.(2019 06 08) Inter-sex Don't Need To be Fixed 62175802_335193497131221_9095511818230562816_n


Our Transition is not always a direct route.  My detour was when doctors diagnosed me Inter-sex (1982) and offered a surgery six months later.  The hospital psychologist was not supportive of my Transition, provided no guidance to me how to explain my Inter-sex to family.

 – My father came cross-country to visit me for Christmas 1982, he saw evidence of my exploratory hospitalisation, and asked for details; I did not know what to say.  My father snooped through my box of medical papers while I was at work.  Not once did he bother to talk with me; instead, he made his own conclusions (wrong as he was).

 – I travelled to visit Cousin Nancy from Texas a few weeks after my surgery.  I hoped that I could have figured things out enough to share with her and her family.  Nope, there was no good time to talk seriously.(1984 06 xx) Grandma Thonus and Me on Mom's Sofa

 – I later tried explaining Inter-sex to cousins Carole and Bev (1993).  I gave an audio cassette tape and diagrams to them, they were from Dr. Paul MacDonald’s Inter-sex lecture to the University of Arizona Medical School (1974).  I hoped that they would comprehend Dr. MacDonald’s explanation of Inter-sex.  They didn’t seem to grasp anything – Carole is a college graduate (I don’t know her degree), Bev is a Pharmacist.


It’s all well-worn history when I finally managed to achieve full-time in 1985.  I had one interim situation during May when I stayed with my father at the home where I once lived with him during my years as a teenager.  This visit was home base for me to seek and secure my own home before I made my final departure from Utah.  I seriously considered presenting as Sharon during that two weeks or so, but decided that I should wait til I had my own home if this visit went bad.

My father hoped that I still was going through a phase when he invited me to my birthday dinner that July.  Nope.  I already had been living full-time for more than a month, my apartment registration was Sharon, my neighbours (including Clint) knew me as Sharon, my college enrollment and ID was Sharon.  I could not possibly do anything other than what was long overdue. 

(1986 xx xx) Golden Acres - HomeI presented Sharon to my father that evening – permanently, once and for all, no more part-time, no more denying my self to please Dear Ol’ Dad.  The subsequent 18 months was rough – he wanted nothing to do with me, did not communicate with me.  He refused my goodwill offer at his birthday (January 1986).  He was facing his denials.  All my years since the time when I was a toddler apparently did not prepare my father for this inevitability.  I am empathetic.  His wife denied a son to him and now his adopted son denied his son to him.

Our relationship settled into another truce by late-1986 – my father and I came together when the Mets played and won the World Series.  My father was becoming at ease with me, was no longer reticent about being with me in public.  Soon, he would frequently drive to visit with me.  He would pick me up from work, he observed how my co-workers accepted me, he made no slip-ups to them about my past.  We would go grocery shopping together, dine out together.  We were making progress together.  Those were among what few good times we would have.  We had a tumultuous Thanksgiving Day 1988.  He died of cancer the next July.

(1992 02 xx) Amber's DrawingI had one brief visit with Grand-Aunt Lena, Grand-Uncle Vic, Uncle Jack, Uncle Artie, Cousin Amber at their home (1992).  I was on exhibit for them – Look!  It’s Baby Sharon, she walks, she talks, she drinks, she wets.  I felt stiff, unable to relax, under their scrutiny the entire time.  Amber did present her drawing to me.

Last time when I saw Kathy was 1993.  It didn’t go well.  It has been downhill since that time.

Fast forward to family living here in town – Aunt Pat and cousins Bev, Carole, Gail, Jack.  They invited me, then they un-invited me, to Thanksgiving Day 1993.  That was the last time I heard from them til a series of awkward telephone conversations with Bev a few years ago.


(1972 12 00) Dad - Kathy - Nick (Vienna)For years, my ‘self’ perceived me as Transsexual.  Then came Inter-sex; then came doctors specifying that I am Female XXY.  I studied Transsex and Inter-sex at the University of Utah Medical School and then at the University of Arizona Medical School during the first half of the 1980s.  I had been especially familiar about my Transsex circumstance.  Adding Inter-sex was quite a new dimension to handle, accept, comprehend, alter my self-perceived consciousness.

Living stealth did much to suppress my perspective about Inter-sex more than Transsex.  During these past four decades, I gradually came to embrace my Inter-sex though my more commanding Transsex perspective told me different.  I ponder the reversal when I learned that Inter-sex persons generally remain as Assigned At Birth versus Transsex persons who generally change from their Assigned At Birth.

 – What if I knew about my Inter-sex during childhood?

 – What if doctors and family offered the opportunity to me to have Transitioned during childhood?

 – How different would I have perceived, accepted my anatomical anomaly if I knew as early as my childhood that I am Inter-sex?

 – What difference would have been my decisions during childhood?

 – What if I did not Transition, whether as a child or as an adult?

 – What if I declined my two ‘sex change’ surgeries and instead embraced what I called my ‘Half-and-Half’ and ‘50/50’ Inter-sex anatomy?

My anatomy has always been my ‘normal’ despite competing forces:

– My Transsex drive told me to make my anatomy biologically ‘normal’ to be acceptable to CisHet normative standards.

– My Inter-sex drive told me that I AM ‘normal’. 

No regrets.  Just questions.


I won’t belabour the point that two employers (Forest Service, State of Arizona) fired me because I am Transsexual two decades apart (1983, 2008).  You can read those details already written and posted at several essays here in social media and at my web-site.  Lemme make reference to this point that losing two careers was a life-altering situation leading to a drastic difference in my financial condition.  

– The Forest Service put me on track for promotion at least to grade GS-11.  My income at that grade would have led to an accumulated life-time income exceeding $2 million, maybe as much as $3 million.   Maybe I could have made GS-12?  GS-13?   SES?

 – Or take the difference in earnings between a woman and a man – that’s 60¢ for the woman to a Dollar for the man.  My prime earnings time frame as an adult man was less than a decade.  My earnings years as a woman spanned more than two decades, would have been more if not hindered, then derailed, by my last employer.

 – What if I waited to Transition male-to-female after my lucrative career of 30 or 40 years?  Many (most) people do that – they take full advantage of their pre-Transition Male Privilege throughout their lifetime; they avoid incurring this combination financial penalty being a woman, being Transsex / Inter-sex, being a Trans woman.

That income disparity means the diminution of life accommodations in home, transportation, comfort, travel, investments, retirement.

I lost one home, two cars, most of my personal possessions because of my Transition.  I live in a humble home needing multiple repairs beyond my means, my car remains un-repaired, my diet is from the grocery discard rack.

Thus, Dear Reader, is one aspect of my fiscal cost of Transition.  You need to know this if you are Transitioning young – that Transition from male to female incurs the difference between financial ease versus financial desperation.

I am fortunate.  I know several Trans friends – both personally and throughout social media – who are far worse than my condition.


I invariably read social media from many of you.  I enjoy learning from you.

Many of you and I are from a similar age group born during the 1950s. Many of you report having severe experiences of anatomical frustration throughout your childhood, knowing that you are a girl, afraid to reveal your thoughts to family, punished because of your behaviour. You describe minimal knowledge about Transsexualism til adulthood – 30s, 40s, 50s – you marry, have children, make a good career, establish a solid circle of friends, yet you are gripped by fear of disclosing your life-long secret to family and friends. You report your access to Trans resources is quite different from mine.

I was fortunate when it came to Trans; whereas, I lost the family, friends, career.(2019 06 07) Christine Jorgensen 61957188_297225101160272_6758831003961131008_n

 – Christine Jorgensen was a common reference in my household, maybe because her home and our home were within the same metropolitan area rather than cross-country.  Where your parents might only have received publicity of national distribution, living locally probably provided frequent daily publicity leading to daily conversation at home.

 – Uncle Frank was in Transition during the 1960s.  Sorry, I don’t know what was or would have been his female appellation, so I stay with what I do have for consistency.  Having one Trans family member was a clear bonus for my own Transition, even though I have only one specific memory of him – watching my father and him arguing at our front door til the city police came to arrest him.  His influence throughout the 1960s passed to me when I eavesdropped hushed conversation among the grown-ups.

 – My next mentor was Denise.  Our first meeting was totally serendipitous, a misidentification on my part.  Our second meeting was equally at random.  I’m not one to intrude into the privacy of others, so I didn’t want to push myself into her life.(1977 12 30) Stanford Reply (Name Covered)

 – Linda was a co-worker where I was employed as a civilian at a military base.  She was an electronics engineer auditor who made her two-weeks TDY to our Directorate facility.  I was one of three office clerks for the civilian head and his staff of both civilian and military.  Linda and I had our own work responsibilities and schedules that did not match.  We decided that socialising at lunch breaks together might not be a good idea.  She invited me to spend an evening after work with her, she was a font of knowledge who shared as much as she could with me, she provided additional resources for me.

 – Stanford University Medical Center’s ‘Gender Dysphoria Program’ was one of a handful of Transition programs during the 1970s.  Denise made a referral to get me enrolled (1977).

 – Janus Information Facility was a resource agency that Linda told me about.  They provided literature that I could send to family and friends, they provided psychological assessments of my status, they provided lists of potential counselling and medical services to contact.(1978 07 00) Information for the Family (Janus) (Cover)

These were opportunities that blessed my path.  How could I not succeed!


Each of us eventually finds our way, finds success in our own strength.  We come to our own breaking point when we realise that we are a better person living who we are rather than living who others demand.  Perhaps this is another reason for antagonism from the Cis Community.  We might perceive that we failed, but it is in our strength that we succeeded. 

Our failure was that we could no longer live a facade, our strength was that we can succeed when we live as our truth.  Most of the world lives in their failure, jealous of the rest of us who succeed when we live true to our selves – ‘A free fish doesn’t know what it is to be a hooked fish’.

Nor is there failure trying to live suppressing our Trans.  One famous Trans woman talked about how she tried sports, she tried the military, she tried being the ‘lady’s man’ – failure, yes, because she was none of that.  As she put it humourously about her efforts to ‘be a man’, she had to settle finding her success being ‘super water boy on the football team’ because she failed doing what she was not.  Success was when she found herself through her strength – her Transition.

Innumerable encounters that I had with Cis people growing up and as an adult eventually involved some degree of Cis aggression against me.  I can see where it scares the Trans child, left alone, left without family and other support structures.  Gawd, I grew up scared!  Perhaps it was humanity’s internal compass telling me right from wrong because somehow, within me, I had a strength, a sense that taking my stand was me being stronger than any bully. 

As I alluded in my essay, it was likely that many (most?) of today’s Out Trans Community may not have perceived or were not aware of Trans persons when they were children and during their younger adult life.  There were few counted actual Trans people by the end of the 1970s reported among the medical community – I have found reliable sources reporting from 1000 to 3000; certainly that fails to include children and adult Trans people living on the streets beyond the realm of official numbers.  Today is drastically different.  We can read social media at least by one Trans woman or another on any given day who is reporting that she is beginning her Transition, beginning her hormones, having one surgery or another – quite different compared to the 1970s, 1960s, 1950s, etc.

Yes – there were the occasional references and inferences in American media.  I saw an episode of the 1950s’ ‘Burns and Allen’ in syndication a few years ago cracking a joke about a sex change for one of the characters, the popularity of ‘Some Like It Hot’ and ‘Myra Breckinridge’ during the 1950s and 1960s, ‘M*A*S*H’ (and Klinger), ‘Soap’ (and Jody), and Tom Snyder during the 1970s.  Their frequent context was Trans as an oddity rather than Trans as our humanity.

There was good news during the 1970s and the 1980s.  Publicity began to present more Trans people in a positive context.  Robert Reed portrayed a character in Transition in 1975’s two-part ‘The Fourth Sex’ episode of ‘Medical Center’.  Then more public presentation among the daytime TV talk circuit – Dina Shore, Merv Griffin, Phil Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, Jane Whitney, Joan Rivers, Jenny Jones, Geraldo Rivera.  These talk shows finally presented us as normal people, not a punchline in a stand-up routine or a gag in a TV comedy.  Unfortunately, by the 1990s, Jerry Springer made Trans into freaks and objects.

We going public were still relatively few, aware of the hazard that publicity destroyed one’s life and career.  Allow me to identify Maria; she was on a few of those named talk shows, we became pen-pals for a few years.  She reported to me that she lost everything for being public.  She cautioned me to remain stealth.  Maria, I really want to hear from you, hoping that you have been able to do well.

We are still experiencing being Society’s pejorative.  There is the ignorance of many who have little education about Trans.  Then, there are the pernicious others who know exactly what they are doing to destroy us; I’m still amazed at their weakness and hypocrisy.  Pat Robertson had positive support for Trans people as recently as 2013 when I heard him discuss the topic on his TV show; something between then and recent led him to turn on Our Community.  He embodies that failure, that lack of strength in truth.



And so goes today’s Out Day reminiscences.  Those experiences have been among my Trans experiences.

(2019 06 10) We treat you life family 62440894_825818261130533_1994170594186231808_nFamily can read this essay.  Perhaps you can put these events together in your Ah-Ha moment of recollection.  Or spread gossip among yourselves.  Or not.  I have no expectation that any of you will ever correspond with me.







Cousin Nancy from West Virginia, 

Cousin Nancy from Texas, 





Uncle Jack.

I certainly don’t expect you or any other family to bother about this.  After all, Bev, you accuse me of hiding in your bushes, waiting to attack you, because I am a ‘Monster’ (as you call me).

Please.  Gossip amongst yourselves.  Or not.

Kapung Khaf!


Thank you to all who are responding positively to this essay.

Thank you to all the Resources whose work contributed to this article.(2015 08 20) Decide to be a Girl11046480_376569759191961_3227315234969587031_n


Additional Resources:

Itali Marlowe – 20th Trans person murdered this year – murdered because she is Trans:

Nope – I was not confused.  I knew at least by the age of 3 – ‘I’m a girl! I proclaimed to family.  I didn’t necessarily know that that made me Transsexual.  Uncle Frank, who began Transition when I was age 4, made Transsexuality a normal concept at home.(https://www.refinery29.com/en-ca/gender-identity-isnt-too-confusing-for-your-toddler)

The Birth Certificate fight continues at Utah.(https://fox13now.com/2019/10/10/utah-supreme-court-orders-state-to-weigh-in-on-transgender-birth-certificate-issue/)

Trevor Project’s LGBT Handbook for Youth. (https://www.advocate.com/youth/2019/10/09/trevor-project-releases-coming-out-handbook-lgbtq-youth?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=youth)

AMA support for LGBT Rights.(https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/population-care/why-ama-s-standing-lgbtq-rights-supreme-court)

Stealth at work.(https://www.marketwatch.com/story/half-of-lgbtq-americans-are-not-out-to-co-workers-2018-06-27)

It’s no surprise that an anti-LGBT Republi-con is charged with child porn and sexual abuse.(https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2019/09/republican-state-senator-charged-possessing-child-porn-sexual-abuse-minor/)

The USA Supreme Court wants to tell Trans persons what public restroom to use.(https://news.yahoo.com/us-supreme-court-just-sent-134534353.html)

The 2020 Election is important for Our LGBT Community.(https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/10/10/opinions/2020-election-importance-lgbtq-david/index.html)

Poland right-wing attacks against LGBT.(https://slate.trib.al/VYhadkH)

TERF Lesbian opposes LGBT and Trans Civil Rights at Supreme Court demonstration.(https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/10/09/lesbian-activist-linda-bellos-supreme-court-against-trans-rights/)

Transgender youth activist.(https://www.smh.com.au/politics/federal/transgender-activist-lashes-scott-morrison-over-gender-whisperers-comment-20191007-p52ya8.html)

Australian Trans Community seeks health care coverage by Medicare.(https://www.outinperth.com/renewed-calls-for-medicare-to-cover-gender-reassignment-surgery/)

Surgery leads to improved mental health.(https://abcn.ws/33g6fEV)

Adult support helps Trans youth overcome suicidal thoughts.(https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2019/07/just-one-supportive-adult-cuts-chance-lgbtq-youth-will-attempt-suicide-40/)

A preview of the USA Supreme Court presentation.(https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/supreme-court-gay-rights-workplace-equality-895565/)

Transcript of oral arguments in Harris Funeral Homes v. EEOC.






Thank you to all the resoources who make this web-site and page possible.

Please return for another essay.


‘Farewells Are Not Forever’; ‘Re-visit Vestiges of Vestigial Cells’


(18 Jan 16)

I made my fond farewells to my new friend Li Qian Yang. She departed on her flight to her home-town at China this morning at 5 am. (https://www.) (youtube.com/watch?v=PXOPSG8UX70) (https://www.) (youtube.com/watch?v=WirhDbybswc). OMG! I arrived at that same LAX Runway 24R to meet her – same as in this second video.IMG_0168

We met 8 Jan 16.

Qian is a very good person who means well.

She taught me to write my name in Mandarin (Li Yuan En is my name in Chinese).  Look, we have the same surname Li.  We are family.  Of the seven billion people on Earth, I found my sister.  How great is that!  She taught me a little bit of how to speak and write Mandarin during our two weeks together.  Now I understand the accent marks and Mandarin inflection.

I am concerned for you, Qian, and your health.  You are young – age 23 – and you have that invincibility of youth that can lead to danger.  Please, if and when you read this, take care of your self.  I shall be writing to you; you will have my next e-mail awaiting you upon your arrival home.  I want to be certain that you live a good life.  Maybe someday I can come visit you at your country.

You, Yann, and me will be our special trio – HUGGSS and ‘Dee-lie-shun’ to us three forever.  Now I am with Ildi and Evelyn.  Ildi and I planned our schedule for this week and shall be seeing more sights on Tuesday and Wednesday – lots of photography, walking, and temples.

The two other girls with the colored hair keep to themselves at their cottage – we do not know who they are.  I say ‘Hello’ and ‘Good morning’ to them but they look at me with facial expressions as if they do not comprehend a word I am speaking.  (Up-date – 22 Jan 16:  They are Louise and Rose, two extremely shy young British women who prefer keeping to themselves rather than join the rest of us.)


This came up again at a message board where I participate – the possibility that one day transsexuals would have their full desired anatomy of their identified sex.

There is one angle where my inter-sex comes in handy compared to ‘vanilla’ transsexuals – my system is finding enough endogenous estrogen to match ‘normal’ values and my estrogen cellular receptor sites know how to make the most of that chemistry.  In a pinch, my chemistry is ‘normal’ female and I can go without ERT; other ‘vanilla’ folks are fatedly dependent upon ERT.

Don’t presume all is well with my natural chemistry; it needs work, too.  It is how I got where I am.

My endogenous estrogen hit only 41 last March 2015 following 13 months off meds, then 241 for my July blood draw when on 1 mg estradiol per day, then the latest blood draw at the end of December 2015 collapsed to 31 still on 1 mg estradiol per day.

My endo told me not to worry because my levels are okay for ‘normal menopausal female’ – I am age 59.  But I can’t imagine my ups and downs are ‘normal’ when I register ‘normal adult female’ one draw then ‘normal menopausal female’ the next draw.  Does menopause happen that suddenly?  Or is this how menopause hits – low, then high, then low the next?

I’m in for that ‘bumpy ride’.


I knew an inkling.  I did some studying as part of my pre-transition and early transition while residing at Arizona.  Small-town public libraries were lacking (1974 – 1978).  Northern Arizona University (Flagstaff, Arizona), a forestry university, hardly had a medical school library to satisfy my inquisitivity (1979 – 1980).

I then attended to research and independent study at both University of Utah Medical School while I resided at Utah (1981 – 1985) and University of Arizona while residing at Arizona (1985 – 1986).  I was a busy beaver in my youth.  There I spent many evenings and weekends after my regular day job with the Forest Service; I was doing independent research on transsexualism and stem cells – for personal and selfish reasons in the beginning.  I was studying and researching ways to activate vestigial Mullerian systems in M-F transsexuals (and inter-sex females).

  • (1)  devise a way for the gonadal tissue (testicles, ova-testes, ovaries, or dysgenic gonads) to reverse the hormone from testosterone to estrogen, or increase the estrogen output, or modify the hormonal output to mimic estrogen and
  • (2)  develop ways for the hormone receptor sites to activate better with estrogen or any other endogenous pro-estrogenic compound.

I asked why can’t doctors use stem cells to invigorate vestigial genital systems for transsexuals:  Mullerian for M-F and Wolffian for F-M.  That is the transsexual’s dream – or at least it has been mine – to culture those lost or incomplete genital systems instead of transplants which are dangerous and pointless to a degree.

We are all developed from female phenotype in utero; it is the spurt of testosterone that separates female into male at the end of the third month.  Every body has both Mullerian Duct and Wolffian Duct systems to start during our embryonic stage.  The various hormones reduce one system for another – and this is where the inter-sex states happen.  Wolffian Duct Regression Factor halts the male system in females and Mullerian Duct Regression Factor halts the development of the female system in males.  That process is mixed up for inter-sex people; all ‘normal’ people have these vestigial remains of the other system at some extent or another.  With your vestigial Mullerian Duct formation, we could use stem cells to develop your upper third female anatomy.

The point being was – as with inter-sex and with what I was also trying to determine with transsexuals – how to encourage one set of action while suppressing the other.

Gonadal tissue has three basic options:

  • under-production,
  • ‘normal’ production,
  • over-production.

A side issue to gonadal production is the quality. What quality is tuned?:

  • failed quality,
  • ‘normal’ quality,
  • hyper-quality.

Then there is the famous hormonal receptor site. Is it tuned to:

  • estrogen,
  • testosterone,
  • both,
  • neither.

Is the hormonal receptor site tuned to receiving:

  • less than normal,
  • ‘normal’,
  • greater than normal.

How does this system have the capacity to read and act on weak or failing estrogen?

How can it convert testosterone signals to estrogen action?

How does it reject even hyper-estrogen stimulation to normalise level?

Can you, Dear Reader, see what I was trying to do?

My questions began with

  • ‘What happened with the female anatomy (Mullerian Duct) in the male and the male anatomy (Wolffian Duct) in the female?’.

More questions flowed; more hypotheses developed.

  • ‘What can medical science do to awaken those dormant structures for the inter-sexed and transsexed?’

Researchers and biologists and anatomists devised prospects to assist patient re-generated lung tissue, liver tissue, kidney tissue as an aside to the organ transplant programs that I also was studying.

My questions to the transplant studies included:

  • ‘Why take the risk of transplant and rejection when we can develop one’s own system to re-generate the failed organ?’
  • ‘Why not apply that regeneration to Mullerian / Wolfian tissue?’

I explained how it is possible using stem cells – at least I am among those who established the theoretical feasibility yet found no corresponding lab work.

Much of the next steps that remain are the supportive medical community to get things moving; that was as much my battle.

This is not pie in the sky.  This has been happening since the 1960s with other organs – liver, kidney, lung, heart, bone, blood vessel, nerve, you name it.  Some research has been quite advanced while other research has been slow.  Nor was I any original one who came up with the ideas but I sure tried to push its practicality during my time.

  • Kidney – ‘Yes’.
  • Lung – ‘Yes’.
  • Liver – ‘Yes’.
  • Genital structure – ‘H*ll No!’ was their reaction.

This research on reproductive systems is highly politicised; less for re-generating heart, lung, liver, etc.

Such feigned outrage from the political class and their minions!

No one would take my ideas – sex – ooh – can’t deal with that.  Okay, fine.  My ideas, study, and research applies to any other organ or systems.  As long as there remain cells in the patient’s body and stem cells to apply to the patient’s own cells, there can be organ and tissue growth with proper chemical and biological action.  This occurs in other parts of the animal world.

The crooks who ransacked my home (2014) messed up my records and files – stealing some, destroying some, leaving some.  AGH!  My five years of notes were all hand-written – there were no computers for this back then.  So if you don’t mind, I can’t re-write my dissertation in 20 minutes or less.  Nor did I make copies.  What is gone is gone forever until the next person develops the follow-up theory and resolution.

I read last year (2015) that some organs have been successfully cultured and harvested for transplant.  Fact is, researchers have been working on re-growing uterine tissue on scaffold structures to implant into the donor patient.  Success is variable.  These are replacement tissue transplants of the patient’s own anatomy rather than vestigial structures (the next step).

Okay, I lacked all the years of post-graduate expertise of chemistry, biology.  Does Bill Gates know absolutely everything to build the computer and write code?  Probably not; instead he hires computer experts who can do each task while Gates and his team oversee the enterprise.  That’s where I came in – not the chemist, not the biologist, but the one with enough ideas to be asking the questions and developing those ideas until the trained experts with greater knowledge could take over.

I certainly did not have all the answers; I meant my work to add one more piece to the puzzle in the elemental idea that it can be done so that the more experienced in the medical community would fine-tune my ideas and make them real.  It is their turn to do the lab work to continue those next research steps.  Not much has advanced since I got hit with all that rejection and nowhere left to take it.

I achieved results of my studies on inter-sex states and transsexualism at medical schools (1981 – 1986) researching to develop ways to use either our own or fetal stem cells to grow our vestigial Mullerian or Wolffian systems in M-F or F-M patients.  It is a dream of many, if not most, transsexuals (both M-F and F-M) to have the actual, full anatomy, not the limited GCS / SRS results.  The medical community treated my efforts with disdain and disrepute.

If you would have wanted them, you would have had it all: your testes would have transformed to ovaries (or at least functioned as ovaries and emitted endogenous estrogen), you would have Fallopian tubes, a uterus, a cervix, a real vagina, real labia, real clitoris, real crura and cavernosa.  Stem cells would have gradually transformed your anatomy same as any developing female.

Don’t tell me ‘No’ and ‘It’s all stupid’.  I got ideas about organ transplants in 1963 when I read a news magazine reporting how China devised a way to transplant a hand on a man who lost his hands.  You may have seen a recent news story from late last year (2015) about a little boy who got a bi-lateral hand transplant operation.  He can thank that 1963 first-time operation – his current operation was ‘routine’ compared to that initial 1963 procedure that took days to operate and months and years to resolve.  That boy does not consider the 1963 Chinese surgeons ‘stupid’.

I do not know what, if any, research has been done by anyone else since my days.  Suffice to say, nothing – or else I would not be writing about this to you my fellow ‘truth-seeker’ – you would be experiencing a full compliment of female anatomy grown from your own vestigial Mullerian cells while you were in transition.  Do you get it?  My research would have led to changing the entire sex-change system.

So what remains of my six years work sits in boxes in storage collecting dust. I hope the medical community is pleased.



‘Grow in a Petri Dish; Grow Your Own”


Business first.




Let’s thank Kira for keeping us aware.  Kira recently posted:

‘The Philadelphia Police Department confirms to ‘The Advocate’ that a 22-year-old trans woman known as Kiesha Jenkins was murdered today.’

  • ‘The Philadelphia Police Department confirms that 22-year-old trans woman Kiesha Jenkins was murdered today. Jenkins was a 22-year old Philadelphia native, who attended West Philadelphia High School and Temple University. Jenkins becomes the 20th transgender woman confirmed murdered in the U.S. in 2015, highlighing why trans advocates continue to decry an ‘epidemic’ of transphobic violence. The vast majority of the women killed this year have been transgender women of color. By comparison, 12 transgender women were murdered in all of 2014.’

We must keep these courageous women in our hearts and minds.

These Are the U.S. Trans Women Killed in 2015:

Lamia Beard
Keyshia Blige
Kandis Capri
London Chanel
India Clarke
Jasmine Collins
Taja Gabrielle DeJesus
Tamara Dominguez
Lamar “Papi” Edwards
Bri Golec
Kristina Gomez Reinwald
K.C. Haggard
Kiesha Jenkins
Amber Monroe
Ashton O’Hara
Yazmin Vash Payne
Penny Proud
Shade Schuler
Ty Underwood
Elisha Walker
Mercedes Williamson

‘Lexie Cannes, writing for the blog ‘State of Trans’, pointed to the intersection of this growing spate of violence against transgender women of color and the racial tensions that have gripped the nation in recent months.  Most of the victims this year have been black transgender women.

‘No kind of spinning is going to rid us of the elephant in the room — [transgender women of color’s] lives are being snuffed out at a disproportionate rate,’  Cannes wrote.  ‘Cause:  Hatred AND racism.  If it was just hatred, white people would be leading the death tally here in the United States.  If there ever was a compelling case that racism still exists in the U.S., this is it.’

‘This year continues to demonstrate why activists are decrying an ‘epidemic’ of fatal violence directed at transgender women.’

By Mitch Kellaway and Sunnivie Brydum
27 Jul 2015 (5:00 a.m. EDT) – UPDATED 7 Oct 2015 (1:21 p.m. EDT)

Personal note:

My studies years ago (1970s) and the Janus literature showed how both the Hispanic and African-American communities tend to have a far-reaching antipathy regarding transsexualism such that those two groups were in near absolute denial transsexualism exists among themselves.  Thus, by murdering their community members, they are seeking to eliminate that trace of reality.  Of course, the opposite is happening.

– Sharon


‘Grow in a Petri Dish’

Allow this serious note to one fancifull question.

  • Can we use stem cells to grow vestigial Mullerian Duct or Wolffian Duct systems in, correspondingly, M-F or F-M patients?

It is a dream of many, if not most, transsexuals (both M-F and F-M) to have the actual, full anatomy, not the limited GCS / SRS results.

I did research and independent study at both University of Utah Medical School (1981 – 1985) and University of Arizona Medical School (1985 – 1986).  My course was based admittedly with personal and selfish undertones.  After all, we are all developed from female in utero and it is the spurt of testosterone that separates female and male at the end of the third month.  My questions began with:

  • ‘What happened with the female anatomy (Mullerian Duct) in the male and the male anatomy (Wolffian Duct) in the female?’.

Of course I wanted to personally learn ‘What happened to my anatomy?’.

More questions flowed; more hypotheses developed.

  • What can medical science do to awaken those dormant structures for the Inter-sexed and Transsexed?

Researchers and biologists and anatomists devised prospects to assist patient re-generated lung tissue, liver tissue, kidney tissue as an aside to the organ transplant programs that I also was studying.  In that subject matter, I was more of the effort to develop database systems to connect donors, recipients, and medical resources to the proper timing.  Not that what I proposed and discussed was novel and ground-breaking; I sought to push what was obvious.  What voices fell on deaf ears in 1985 is considered the standard norm today.  Sadly that is the condition of science throughout history:  little nobodies as I study and develop inspired ideas, the ‘experts’ tell us ‘can’t be done’, and progress loses – whether by weeks, months, years, decades, or centuries.

My questions to the stem cells and transplant studies included:

  • ‘Why take the risk of transplant and rejection when we can develop one’s own system to re-generate the vestigial or failed organ?’
  • ‘Why not apply that regeneration to Mullerian / Wolfian tissue?’

It is possible using stem cells – at least I am among those who pushed that theoretical feasibility yet found no corresponding active lab work.  I wanted to make use of my youthfull mind before it became stunted the way I observed other highly-experienced medical personnel build walls to prevent outside ideas from entering their realm.  To the exalted I was another chippy; they did not consider my voice serious.

I not once mentioned stem cell tissue from an aborted fetus to the physicians at Utah UMC; oh no, not in the land or Mormons and Catholics.  I did to whom I expected to be less-sectarian UA UMC and I got quite a negative responce.  You think political hay made about Planned Parenthood is tough today, I merely contacted UA UMC lab departments in 1986 and asked what they did with aborted fetal tissue.  My enquiries were discussion-killers at that mention using tissue from an aborted fetus.

Fact is, dear squeamish reader, valid human tissue from legal donors across the nation and around the world that can save lives and produce what we today might think are medical miracles – including aborted fetal tissue – is discarded right into the sewer system or trash as any other waste product.  That is valuable research material treated as no better than vegetable peelings and fish-wrap, the real crime in my book.  It’s that absolute finality of the lost prospect for human life at the loss of one other life (or potential life) employed for none other than right-wing political gain.  To them, their two wrongs make a right, so to speak.

Much of the next steps that remain are the supportive medical community to get things moving; that was as much my battle.

  • Kidney – yes.
  • Lung – yes.
  • Liver – yes.
  • Genital structure – ‘H*ll No!’ was their reaction.

Such feigned outrage.  Fact is, researchers have been working on re-growing uterine tissue on scaffold structures to implant into the patient.  Success is variable.  These replacement tissue transplants are the patient’s own active anatomy rather than developing fullly-operational organs from vestigial structures of an opposite anatomy (the next step).

Don’t tell me no, that these concepts are all stupid.  I first learned ideas about organ transplantation in 1963 when I read a news magazine reporting how China devised a way to transplant a hand on a man who lost his hands.  You may have seen a recent news story about a little boy who got a bi-lateral hand transplant operation.  He can thank that 1963 first-time operation – his current operation was ‘routine’ compared to that initial 1963 procedure that took days to operate and months and years to resolve. I suppose my thought in 1963 was:

  • Why transplant when you can re-grow from tissue from the patient’s own development?

This is not pie in the sky.  This has been happening since the 1960s with other organs – liver, kidney, lung, heart, bone, blood vessel, nerve, you name it – except genital organs.  Some research has been quite advanced while other research has been slow.  I read this year that some organs have been successfully cultured and harvested for transplant.

Nor was I any original one who came up with these ideas, but I sure tried to push its practicality during my time to whomever I could get to listen.

I certainly did not have all the answers; I expected my work to add one more piece to the puzzle in the elemental idea that it can be done so that the more experienced in the medical community would fine tune it and get it done.  It is their turn to do the lab work to continue those next research steps.

Not much has advanced since I got hit with all that rejection and nowhere left to take it.  I am making this commentary because I saw recent on-line posts from knowledgeable people who suppose breakthroughs might start sometime 50 years from now.  Nope.  I can write that at least I made a valiant effort 30 years ago; I met with obstructionism at every turn and so we are 30 years late already.

Additional Resources:

These videos explain, describe, illustrate comparative embryological development of the Mullerian Duct and Wolffian Duct systems:









’’Grow Your Own’

I developed some pubescent physical growth up top on my own. I also developed that cultural female awareness; I made excuses why I wore a T-shirt when I went swimming at the beach or lake.  I would learn why in 1982.

ERT begun in 1979 then developed me from ‘A’ to ‘B’ the first year and from ‘B’ to ‘C’ the second year.  I’ve been ‘C’ since the third year; accretion is bringing me to ‘D’ as my ‘C’ cup runneth over.

I really enjoy all those little jolts of E.  I must have been quite a sight during my early time, still presenting as male, beginning E, as others saw me make sudden moves responding to the new chemistry racing through my body; they did not know.  That tingling still happens even on my 1mg estradiol maintenance and I enjoy each jolt of E.

Mmm – yes, I found myself doing that – holding my hand to protect them.  I transitioned male to female part-time; unknowing outsiders must have thought my female protective moves curious for a ‘male’ where I was still presenting as male.

I was not aware of my development at first – how noticeable they could be.  I look back and realise that my family certainly noticed but said nothing when I visited them six months into ERT.  I recall the photographs from that visit – my ‘A’ girls clearly obvious in view under my T-shirt.  My ‘girls’ became more and more difficult to cover – especially as they became ‘C’.  I was employed as a male and had to wear two or three T-shirts under my larger men’s business shirt to cover them.

One day after work, as my early development was becoming yet I was presenting at work as a male, a group of us were ditching around the park with a soccer ball.  After warm-ups one guy announces that feared call – ‘Shirts versus skins’.  AGH!  I got chosen for skins.  NO WAY!  So I told them I needed to rest and maybe get in the game as a replacement later.  Whew!  They bought it.  I did get in the game later – as ‘shirts’.

I think the real memory was during my disco dancing days (1979 – 1980).

Recall I made the acquaintance of two female friends (Kathy Q and Virginia); I was a frequent dance partner with both Kathy Q and with Virginia.

First was Kathy Q as her presence in my life came and went during my first year knowing my life on ERT (1979).

Then was Virginia as my life progressed through my second year on ERT (1980).  I feared bringing myself to discuss my medical life with her as I got deeper into E and deeper into a friendship that I did not want to destroy with my revelation.

I also occasionally met with other female dance partners.

I told only Kathy Q early in our relationship; she would be the only dance partner who knew.  Neither Virginia nor my other female dance partners knew my predicament.

Slow dancing became a matter of me trying to out-manoeuver my partner’s hands and trying not to dance too close where they might sense I had more up top than they.  Another humourous aside was the way the unknowing female partners tried arousing where there was no male anatomy to arouse down below.  I felt sorry if their ego took a hit when they thought they were not getting the male reaction they expected.

Skip a few more years toward the end of my part-time male life when former best friend Clint (not yet knowing) was teaching Japanese martial arts to me.  I kept dodging his hands as he tried to position my body for making moves and setting up my defence posture.  He accidentally touched me ever so briefly and I saw his puzzled look.  I told him nothing; I diffused him when I mentioned that I was tired and that we can resume later.

Anyway, my natural-grown girls certainly helpt presenting female once full-time came.


PS:  Slovakia – Thank you for visiting this site today.  I had the pleasure representing Czechoslovakia in the 1972 Model United Nations administered by the International High School of den Haag, Nederlands, and assembled at the Congressgabauw.  I visited the Czechoslovakia embassy at Vienna, Austria, for preparation when my dad, Slim, and I travelled there during Christmas vacation 1971.

If you are reading, Sri Lanka, I represented you in 1973; your nation had quite an active international position back then and I made your nation proud if I may say so myself.